![]() ![]() Nowadays most of my time is on my computer using gaming to try to keep my mind occupied. Rode motorcycles again and started camping again. Worked a lot of PT and got out of the wheelchair. I had a normal life, and could actual work when I was on the fentanyl patches. Once the media did their scare tactics against fentanyl, I haven't had a normal day. And in 3 days the chemical dependency goes away. Pain shoots up and I can't do my physical therapy. I've been off them for months many times over the years. I'm one of the lucky few who don't really feel high from opiates. This has been going on over 20 years now. When I complained about them lowering my dosages because it wasn't working anymore, I sounded like an addict. When I was super skinny, they said I looked too much like an addict. I really hate how people who don't understand the difference between addiction and standard chemical dependence control the supply based on bias. I've been out of meds going on 4 months now and won't see a pain specialist until Jan 19th. I'm a chronic pain patient myself and things have just gotten worse. Now my hands are going and my arms, we don't know what the hell is happening and I have hand xrays and shit but I think I mightve destroyed my arms when I was dragging myself around the house with fucked legs, and sometimes I would use my crutches as stilts and just brute force my way around using only upper body strength. I had to purchase all my medical shit myself and we were homeless at the time to boot. My partner told me I should've demanded that Dr put in writing that all I needed was excersise, that way I could come for him about it. I have lots of unfinished shit as a result. The nerve damage is so bad in my legs that if I tattoo within an inch of where my ankle is I feel the pain through my ankle and foot, even if I'm tattooing my calf. You can see the ligament healed too loosely on the outside and just bunches at the bottom and if I tug my socks off too roughly my ankle clunks and gets longer? My right ankle is more fucked than my left, which I'm grateful I have 1 relatively Ok ankle rn, even if that ankle locks often and has shit for mobility. The ligament on the interior of my ankle likes to spasm so much it flips over the nubbly bone there, and if you push where the exterior nubbly should be it's just a little bowl idfk like my finger goes in. My ankles were deep purple for around a month after initial injury. I don't scream from pain due to childhood shit so he told me I was fine and to go excersise. One of the Dr's, before even doing xrays, proceeded to yank and jerk my ankles around roughly and just stare at my face waiting for me to scream. I should be grateful I can walk again, but I used to jog and had plans to start running, and now I hobble with a cane and ugh. Sorry this ramble is only barely relevant to your comment my emotions are wild today and ig I had to get all that out. And the alcohol issue could've been avoided if I was able to actually be helped. I've managed to finally get a Dr to give me pain meds, but only after the damage was done and I healed wrong and developed fibromyalgia and one of my ankles is flat, doesn't have the exterior nub thing that normal ankles have? I'm permanently fucked p much, which could've been prevented if any Dr had taken me seriously sooner. The more I had to do, the more I had to drink whiskey and douse myself in biofreeze just to function and still be able to take care of my family. And I have a 4 now 5 year old to keep up with so I didn't get rest time anyways. I had such bad damage I lost around 75% of my muscle just in my calves alone, nvm what it did to my already shit knees. However, that became problematic as I didn't have a wheelchair and had to p much use only crutches and just choose which foot hurt slightly less as my walking foot. So since no Dr's would give me anything for the 20 out of 10 pain I was in from spasm attacks and destroyed ankles I turned to my dear friend whiskey, the only son of a bitch that can numb me from the tips of my toes to the tip of my nose. I look like a stereotype) and also because of my really high pain tolerance where even if I'm at a 10 on the pain scale I don't make a single sound. Dr's wouldn't give me anything for pain, I chalk it up to looking like a drug seeker (lots of piercings, face tattoos, permanently smell of weed and cigarette. When I snapped both my ankles in one fucking go (yeah, shit luck) I was in so much pain. ![]()
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